Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I just got my Internet back after I was lost in cyber land for what seems like forever....I read my past post and I have to admit...I am getting better. I really have been feeling better and seem to be taking less pain medication.... My incontinence seems to be getting better...I not get the urge to urinate and have bowel movements too....what a wonderful thing!!! My leg pain at night has subsided...in fact for the last two weeks I have slept clear thruthe night. I now have a tingling from my knees down and sometimes my legs feel numb....it is crazy...makes walking difficult. I am pretty good in the house but outside is not easy for me. I feel really tense for the most part...I think I am afraid I will fall down or something. BUT.......For the first time I am thinking there just may be light at the end of the tunnel. I read on here how people have suffered from this for years...I don't want to do that. I know that I still have a ways to go ...I have my bad days and my good days...I cannot do what I used to do but I want to get on with my life..... this is just a rock in my path...by next summer I want to be walking outside with out a cane....that's my new goal.

My son lost a friend of his the other day...35 with three kids.....this in comparison makes CES a nothing....non existent thing.....so what if I pee myself....I am alive to do it and that is the most important thing. I think I had forgotten that and had started down the I feel sorry for myself path...now I need to remember how lucky I am....I cannot imagine burying my son...it just is not fair.

Life is precious...it is truly a gift.....I wonder what comes next? I know I believe in God....I know I believe there is life after this life and death is a process we have to go thru on our journey...but will we be ourselves when we die? Will we really reunite with our loved ones? Will we account for our transgressions? Did we when we entered this life? I don't remember accounting for anything to a higher power in this life or my last...if there was a last. Is this life just a journey we have to go on to learn the lessons we need to learn in order to pass on to our next life? Or will we be dirt....you know...ashes to ashes...dust to dust. Gone....just gone one day. If that is the case then what is the point? What is the point of caring and being the best person you can be if in the end you get a nothing.... there has to be something at the end of the tunnel. That's why I believe in God I guess.....I have to believe there is a reason for this life and this death ...this journey.....and I have to believe my life is in Gods hands....and I have to believe I will see my loved ones again...on another journey....