Ok...I made it thru the holidays...thank God....besides money being difficult for everyone I had a mishap with my medication....my pain pills came up missing...ofcourse besides being pissed that someone would come into my home and do that I was so sick from drug withdrawls that it did indeed mess with my holiday cheer....couple that with the fact that I was hurting ....had kids...and family dynamics 101 we also had a death in the family....so when I say I made it thru the holidays that is what I mean...I am so glad they are over...I honestly don't care if I go thru them again or not....lol...it may be gift cards for everyone from now on....fighting the crowds and hurting was just not worth it.
Drug withdrawls....this scares me to death...I am not sure I have ever been that sick in my life...for 2 days I laid in bed shaking, cold, sweating, vomiting and diarreah, everybone in my body hurt..this went on for about a week with the second and third day being the worse I think....I know when I got hit with CES I was told not to be afraid to ask for something for pain....well I have never been a big pain pill person...they usually make me sleep and I don't like sleeping my life away....well I need them now...some days less than other but I still need them...what amazes me is the fact that I need them whether I have pain or not...I am now physically addicted to narcotics and I am told that I am not even on heavy duty stuff....I am on hydrocodone 10/650...4 times a day...I have cut them back to 3 times a day now...and hopefully next month we will go down to 2 times a day...I am determined to not have to take these all the time...I hate the fact that my body needs them...it is one of the things that I find unfair from this syndrome I have been blessed with....I never set out to have a addiction to pain pills...in fact I cried to my dr about it...he assured me he would help me off of them...I am not sure when we will be able to cut them out entirely...I still have pain and spasms ....I can hardly stand long enough to cook a meal...or do the dishes....so when does this stop...when will the pain go away????? When will I be normal again????
I have to admit not much has changed...I am still having back pain and leg pain...and numbness...muscle spasms...bladder problems...my bowels seem to be operating at a normal function..I am so grateful for that.....I am just tired....tired of feeling bad...tired of battleing this...I see no light at the end of the tunnel...I was told today that I just needed to take a valium...it would make the grey days sunshinny again....joy ....more drugs to worry about becoming addicted to...I am waiting for them to made marijuana legal in our state for medical reasons....I am waiting...I can tell you now it helps with my back pain and muscle spasms and even the depression...now you ask me how I can worry about being addicted to narcotics...my body does not go out of kilter if I don't smoke....I believe that it is safer for my liver than chemicals are...and it helps with the pain...I can't understand how people become addicted to these pills....I guess if you do not have pain and take the pills you would get your high...they just mask my pain and that is what they do....mask it...it does not go away....atleast for me it hasn't.
Again I have to say...I am tired of this...I am not seeing light at the end of the tunnel anymore...I have an exsistance that goes from my couch to my bed...I feel like this has affected my whole family...nothing is the same anymore...I am tired of just exsisting...I want to go out and enjoy my life...I have things I want to do...and in the mean time...CES is calling the shots....it feels like I have no control...
I have been reading the comments in a support group I belong to and accordingly these feeling are quite normal....yeah....finally something normal and it goes by the name of depression. Depression over everything...nothing is the same anymore...even sex is different...frustrating...I shake my head in amazement when I think how much my life has changed....the things I am dealing with....I wonder why...I have always believed that God does not give you more than you can handle...and I still believe that...I just wonder why? What lesson am I to learn from this? What journey am I on...where is this leading me? and ofcourse when I really am a pitiful example of a person I wonder why me...what did I do to deserve this....what am I suppose to be learning?????
Ok this is enough for this I am tired and want to lay down....I toss and turn all night...unless I take medication my doctor gave me...I have pills for everything it seems now...how depressing is that?
Night all...heres wishing you all painfree days and nights!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
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