So today is another day...

Goodness I seem to be saying that a lot lately.....I guess that is how I intend to pass the next 10 months ...one day at a time and one step at a time! Like I have a choice Ha Ha....I am kind of having a bad day today...just achy and my back feels really tight....I had the Dr. up my pain pills again...I now am taking 3 hydrocodones a day...2 was just not getting it....by this time every evening I was really hurting without that middle pill....now I am not so bad ...guess keeping the pain at a bearable level is the most important thing... most days it is something I can deal with...the getting up and bending over is the rough stuff.

I also have noticed my gait ...after I get started in the morning or after laying down....(I told a friend that I felt like a robot when I first stand up or get out of bed...have to get my gears going)...anyway after I get started in the mornings my gait is relatively good...I can make a concerted effort to walk without it seeming to show to much....but then as the day goes on and I tire out and my back starts aching...then I get what I refer to as a slap foot...(oh that sounds terrible....I hate how this whole process sounds......lol...slap foot...drop foot...incontinence...constipations...dysfunction...the list goes on and does not get any prettier.....lol...no where have I found the words that make me smile...like roses, or kisses....you get the idea....sorry bout that rant...)anyway...I have less and less control of my legs it seems and I put my foot out there and slap it down....or drag it...or trip over it because my toes did not lift as high as I thought they did....any way I think the key is the tired level and to get plenty of rest....

I know I need to learn to let people do things for me....omg that is the most horrible part of this whole mess....I want it done ...now....and my way...I recognize this...I own it...I have no problem with that at all....NOW...if you don't want to do that or can't do it...don't get mad at me if I try.....and sorry if I bite your head off....I sure don't mean to...it is just the meanness of this syndrome coming out in me......well atleast that is what I am saying! lol

I do love my tens unit.....it really has come in handy for the last couple of days....not sure why but I really feel like my back is trying to spasm...I am gonna have to read and see if that is a common thing amongst us sufferers ....is that a word????

I remember how hurtful the pain in my legs felt from the damaged nerves...the waves of pain...like muscle spasms and then when they hurt because the sheet was touching them....I am so glad that I am not experiencing pain like that any more....the spasm like things and sharp pains that shoot down from my butt cheeks....and then the tingling in my legs from the knees down and my feet ....even all that is not as bad as it was in the beginning....that was unbelievable pain...I would not wish that on anyone....

With that said I am ready to relax and try to enjoy my evening....going to do some wings later.....

Peace and pain free days to ya!

Another Day....

It is autumn time in these mountains....I am aching to hit the woods...this is my favorite time of year....it smells so good in the woods....Just the fact that I am thinking of getting in the woods is a good thing I think....course this time last year I was planning on walking my dogs in the spring...lol...life sure threw that one a curve. In the last three years I have had to learn to walk twice...just not sure what that karma is all about....

I did go back and read from my first blog entry and I can definitely see improvement....I am SO lucky compared to some people I have read about or met on line....I don't have to self Cath....bowel functioning is pretty normal...the pain pill give me some constipation but that is par for the course....if I could just stand and walk normally....I would be good to go. I miss not being normal in that way....some day.....

The numbness comes and goes....it seem worse at night...I guess being on my feet during the day does this....seems like it changes places too....first my feet then up to my knees...the other day I felt like the bottoms of my feet were numb. The Dr tells me that my loss of feeling according to his little pin prickly thing is L4 - L- 5....yeah right I know exactly where that is....lol.....but I am learning....learning a lot!

Last night my back was really tired so I hooked up my tens unit and it did help....that is a good thing.....

Morning....

So this morning I wake up with one kid threatening to kill the other one because he broke his stick....KIDS....and numb toes and legs.....it is crazy....I did notice last night my right leg really hurt when I tried to turn over...sometimes it feels like the muscle is not connected or something and it hurts...I have only noticed this at night or when I am laying down as it only feels that way when I try to turn over. It is strange. My muscles ache in my back today....I am not sure why...maybe did too much yesturday or am not doing enough...I know pain is gain so I am not going to fret about it and I am going to assume it is because I used them and they are not used to it.

Not sure what I am going to get into today...am doing dishes as we speak and washing a load of
clothes....it never ends does it....It is a beautiful day out there and I have been invited to a birthday party....might just do that!

I am so tired of this.....have I said that before???

OK...I am so tired of this....I did nothing special today...got in my car and drove to the hair dressers....maybe 10 miles one way....stopped got gas....picked up stuff for Jr's lunch...came home...folded clothes...just usual stuff.....all with my trusty cane....and tonight here I sit...my big toes and the one next to it (on both feet) are numb...it runs up the inside of my legs and shins to my knees....and then behind my legs to my butt cheek....and when I stretch I immediately go in a body cramp. I kid you not...it is like a body charlie horse. Then we have the crunching that is starting. Seems like when I go to stand up or straighten my back I can feel it crunching...lol...is that normal?????? I go back to the DR on the 14th of October...guess I will ask him that.

Every time I go to the Drs he gets out his little pin pricker wheel...that bugger is sharp...anyway he runs it over my ankles...my feet....up my shin...it seems like I have less sensation on the inside of my legs...but they don't hurt like the did.....my God the pain in the beginning was horrible. I remember crying in Jr's arms and then begging him to make it stop....I could not stand up by myself...it was horrible....Thank God that part is over....I just told my husband the other day that I have not had a pain free night since Jan 24Th.....but guess what today our friend died ....he had fought cancer for what seems like years now....he was a nice guy....his wife called this morning and told us Mike had gone.....she is alone now.....his grandchildren have no pap.....I am lucky....I know that....I really do.

I am thinking I need to go back to physical therapy....I am going to ask the Dr to order it for me. You know that is something that I am realizing with this syndrome.....(syndrome.....I HATE that word...what the hell does it mean....does a syndrome go away??????) as I said, I am realizing that with this syndrome you have to almost call the shots....it seems to me that after the initial surgery and you are up and going....you have to take charge and tell them what works because they really do not know....I am not sure I am saying that right...but what I mean is I am the one that thinks I need physical therapy...I am the one that knows my weaknesses and my strengths...so I have to tell them what I want or need....obviously with my medical history the red flags were there and no one .....not one doctor .....mentioned CES....It is almost like they do not know what it is. It always says it is rare.....I like to think I am a rare bird....lol....I guess I just have to get at and go with the flow!

The depression is workable...lol...how is that for a word. When I get depressed I know I have to talk it out....I have to work on not being that person in the recliner that sits and is waited on.....so it is workable. I can still manage to get with the program most days....I am not like I was...and I think really I am mourning for my old self. I want to get up and run....I want to Screammmmmmmmm cause I can't ....I hate this . I am so tired of just sitting around and not being able to do what I want. But I make myself do things....I make myself do something....even if it is wrong....lol.....not really ....I don't really do bad thing ..lol.....but I tell you ...sitting around like this when you cannot sleep...well the things you think about are amazing.. shoulda ...coulda...woulda....lol....kind of like if I knew then what I know now....I would have been much more adventurous....I would have taken that hike or walked down that hill...I guess what I am saying is if I had known or even thought about being like this I would have crammed all the life in that I could have....and trust me....there are people out there alot worse off than me...I know this...I tell myself this every day....some days I laugh and play...and some days I crawl up in a ball and cry.....and that's OK.....I am allowed to have bad days....this is horrible...it has changed my life....I am scared I will never be me again....so it is OK if I need to cry....so with that in mind....the depression is workable... lol... This to shall pass.

Peace and love to you all.......

Lynn

Depression

Ok...so I am finding myself very depressed....I see nothing brilliant going on in my future....I see nothing changing and I am not happy. I should be happy....I have everything I need and more. I have a husband that loves me and treats me like gold....he drinks more than I like but he is good to me...the unsettlement is in me....I am not satisfied....I keep thinking I need a job...but then I think I can't do that....crap sometimes I cannot sit for more than 20 mins or I can't stand for 20 mins...my legs start to tingle and go numb....I don't think I work at this point...so here I sit ..nothing to do but to dwell on the stuff going on in my life....I wonder if they have a pill for that....actually I am sure they do....they have friggin pills for everything......it is nuts.....

I need to go away...I really need a serious vacation.....I am seriously thinking of taking sativa and hitting the beach....just her and I....for maybe 2 nights.....I could really use it.....I wonder if I can Drive for 6 hours to get to the beach....I suppose that is why they make rest areas.....we will see.....

Depression stinks....it really does....my get up and go has got up and went.....I am so done!

7 months post op....

Ok, I am 7 months post op and I swear this has been the longest 7 months of my life....I go from ok...I can handle this...to being the biggest bitch in the world and I hate your guts because you can do what you want and you are not doing what I want the way I want it!!! Hows that for ya? My poor family....I know I am not being the easiest person in the world to get along with and I know deep in my heart they are doing all they can for me to make my life as normal as it can be. I know this....honestly....but it does not change the fact that I cannot get up and go....I am the one that cannot take her dogs for a walk ....or carry her own grocerys in...Crap....grocery shopping is a chore but I would gladly do it if it did not hurt.....it just doesn't seem to end...and it has only been 7 months.

The doctor told me we would talk about what is permanent and not in 18 months....from surgery....so I only have what....11 more months of this....I want instant gratification....thats allll...I want it over with now....I want to get the strength back in my legs....and I know that will come....if the pain would get under control...and the numbness and tingling... I just want it over with.

I still need to take the pain medication the way he perscribed it....2 times a day is not working very well tho....so we will see what he says.....I am starting to worry about going to the pain management clinic....I am not sure what to expect....I think they try all kinds of things like injections and so forth....welllll....I am not sure I want to do that....we will see I guess.

Ok...the last 2 weeks I have been fighting a cold...and I do believe the cold won....I just wish it would leave....I am so over being sick!