3 weeks ?????

I cannot believe it has been three weeks since I last wrote in this blog. I had full intentions of writing in this blog everyday ....I even stated that...I felt it was necessary to record every little body difference since NO where could I find a time table...lol...I wanted to know every little daily change....Little did I know that the day of a nerve was a zillion times longer than a day to the normal human...if that makes sense to you. Nerves heal so slow....crap...I am not even sure they have an inner clock...it is crazy....I know that I am one week shy of being 9 months post op....I could have built a baby in this time frame...and half the time I cannot feel myself from the waist down....I think my feet are walking on another planet somewhere....they simply feel numb and stingy.....the list goes on but....I do have a couple of concerns still or really again...(I am going to hit the forums and see what is what with it). I need to no if you regress at times too.

#1......I am having problems urinating again....I get the urge...and it is not really strong...more a ...I THINK I have to pee and go set on the toilet and set on the toilet and set until finallly I will start to pee...I have a slow stream...and at times do not feel that I am finished...

#2....Bowel movements seem to have taken a step backwards also....I have really been having trouble with constipation...once while I was trying I actually thought about how people feel that have impacted bowels because of this wonderful syndrome and how embarassaing it must be for them to have to go to the hospital because of a blockage. Well I can tell you...I honestly had a very bad time this past week....I am thinking about asking my dr to refer me to a nutrionalist....so that I can learn how to eat to get enough fiber and nutrients also.....I don't know ....just a thought. I just know that for about 2 days afterwards I was still sore and tender across my stomach....I am not getting urges to use the bathroom again....or if I do it is after I have been really constipated and then it is like explosive diareahha for a couple of days.... This seems to be a step backward to me. But then lots about this crazy stuff does not make sense nor does it feel like I am making progress....

#3...Sexuality....hmmmmmmmm how do I put this without sounding like a fanatic...lol...About a month or so ago...Not really sure of the exact date....ahem....I experience my first orgasm in quite awhile....well honestly I had forgotten how important sex was to my well being....My husband and I have always had what I would like to think was a healthy sexual relationship...we enjoyed sex...we made dates for sex and enjoyed pleasing each other...well this has all changed...now...I am not sure if our relationship is healthy for the shape I am in now or not...for the first time is 40 years of marriage I find myself confused about sex....lol. As I said a while back I experienced an oragasm and it was wonderful.....welll now...forget about it.....first of all a few times penetration has actually hurt me until I can relax and deep breath thru the pain....then it is ok...but no orgasm....then there is the get to the brink of orgasm and nada.....I am not sure if this is mental or physical...I think the two walk hand in hand....I love the foreplay and I do have feeling to the touch...it is the orgasm part that is lacking. I hate being so graphic but for this blog to have any bearing on CES at all I have to be truthful and the truth is I think my sexual feeling (physical) has regressed. I actually have had pain/tenderness in my lower left side....I actually think that is because of the bowel problem and the fact that I have tried a new thing I learned about to help you pee and you push on your abdomen...but if you push wrong it can hurt you and push your bladder out of where it it suppose to be...lol...omg ....take this pill to counter act what this pill is doing.....crazy crazy....lol

#4.....Depression....here we go again....lets be depressed......well not really...but stressed yes....I don't know if I am depressed or not. I know I am stressed beyond belief at times ....and then there are times when I do not want to get out of bed...pull the covers over my head and cry my heart out....so do I think I am depressed....hmmmmmmmmm probably....I guess I could ask my dear friend Craig the therapist...but it doesn't really matter now does it? I am going thru growth spurts mentally and in my personal being.......I am not sure I am depressed...my life if full of family dynamics 101 if you understand what I mean...everyone always has a problem and it does seem to land at my door step occassionally.

My doctor told me there was two types of stress that we have to deal with....

#1 Stress...regular stress - we all have it - life is stressful - but regular stress can be illeviated from our lives...too many dogs to deal with you can get rid of dogs therefore getting rid of the stress.

Then there is :

#2 Distress ....this is the stress that is brought on to you that you have no control of...that you have not created nor can you stop it. Such as a child's divorce...you can be stressed by this because you care about your child...sometimes you have to stand up and involve yourself in a situation you have no control of... CES create dis-stress in your life....it is here ...if affects our lives....and there is nothing we can do about it....so yes I have stress...gonna get rid of a dog, cat, kid, husband, mortgage company,..lol...that list could go on and on....I think I can meditate tho and get myself relaxed enough to get that stress level down. Now that Dis - stress is a different thing.. CES is here...there is nothing I can do to change it...It does frustrate me because my body has changed in so many ways...I don't look the same....I certainly do not act the same...I cannot do the things I used to do...I can't even get up and decide to just go for a walk....am I Dis- stressed...absolutely...can I change it ...nope...not at this moment it does not seem so....I can do the best I can that's all....I guess learning to live with the Dis-stress is something I need to work on.....if you cannot get away from it it is hard to feel happy and concentrate on yourself...I feel like I am rather lost to CES....

I kind of took charge of my own body at this point.....I have decided that I want to go to a different neurologist than my doctor has referred me to. I have decided to go elsewhere...I am going to go - am waiting for my appointment now....to a place called Parkway Neuroscience and Spine clinic....the offer pain management but also they practice different type of medicine...they practice acupuncture to reflexology to spinal surgery...I think there are 7 different Doctors at the Clinic...A friend of mine went there and seems to be very pleased.....I just want to pee and walk normally and have sex normally too....in time I guess...all in due time.

I will try not to be gone so much in the future...I honestly had not realized it had been 3 weeks...no major changes...if fact I feel like I am slipping backwards physically.....we will see.

I wish you all pain free days and peaceful nights.....

Peace....Lynn

Another day...

Truth is I slept all day today...just could not drag myself out of bed or off the couch....I am not sure if this is depression...I seem to have to fight that all the time...or the CES....sometimes I feel like I have all kinds of energy...then some days....well....like I said I slept all day. I feel rested now...but I still feel like just laying in bed...it sucks.

My legs have really been bothering me lately....they hurt when I stand very long...I am hoping the cold weather will not have an affect on the them but I am fearing that is what is going on....I want this to be over.

I do have trouble with my right foot....it seems like it wants to turn in....I did see a reference to that in one of the forums but I cannot remember where it was....I am wondering what that is all about and if that is something that goes with the CES.

When you are diagnosed with having a syndrome it changed your whole life. Atleast this one has. I think it changes everything ...your relationships with people - your outlook on life - everything - it is all changed....I mean my son and grandson bring my cane to me....I just realized they do that...and poor Charlie...is always worrying if I am ok...he is a good boy with a wonderful heart...a gentle soul....I am blessed with my grandchildren....I wish this would all be over so they could have the grandmother they deserve....nf

I have a drs appointment on Oct. 19th....we are going to discuss the pain management clinic...we will see...I am not really impressed with the thought of going there...but I guess I do what I have to do.

Ok...just wanted to get some stuff down...everything really seems the same now....this is crazy crap....I wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel....

Peace and painfree days to all~