A new day...Another adventure...doesn't feel like it....

I don't feel like I have any adventure in my life anymore...I set in my bedroom or living room...I do manage to load my dish washer and do some laundry...I have broken down and hired someone to do the scrubbing and vaccumming and so on...If I ever get over this shit my house will be so clean...I promise you...now you can eat off my floors...any time you want and probably get a 7 course meal...the atmosphere right now is at about a 2 star.....lol...could be worse but I have seen better...my attitude still kind of sucks....I still cry at the drop of a hat. I guess that is OK...I know I am on an emotional roller coaster and I am trying to recognise that and owning it and changing it....It is just very very hard at times...

I am feeling let down by my husband ...and he is trying so hard...but it is like I cut him no slack....he works hard and I know he is tired...he is so good to me ...he will help me to the point of me thinking he is thinking I am useless and can't do it by myself...it is like I resent him for wanting to help me...it is crazy...I used to take care of him...it is my job...and that is how I looked at my house keeping...my job to take care of my family...I need to pull my own weight...now I do nothing..dishes if I can stand long enough to do them....I don't know what I really expect from him...he drinks ...and he drinks more than I like...I know it is is his outlet but I feel like he is trying to escape from me and I have no where to escape to...I don't know if I am mad at him, Ces, Life or myself for not handling this better....my husband is not drinking anymore....truth is probably less than he did before I had my legs broke or the disc exploded in my back and Ces entered my life....I just feel so alone in this...he always has taken care of me and now he can't fix it....and I resent him for it...maybe recognising the feelings will help me work thru them...misplaced anger...but then I have a right to be angry about legitimate things....he needs to calm his drinking down....I am tired of it, tired of CES...just tired in general...sometimes I think if I could just lay down and sleep...let my mind be empty...then I think this has nothing to do with CES but it does...if I was not afflicted by this syndrome I would not be having these thoughts and feelings...the emotional part of the CES is worse at times than the physical....the physical pain of CES can be controlled with a drug...the emotional pain of losing your independence and self worth is horrible...there is no drug that can take those feelings away and I have not quite hit on the formula for earning those feelings back..somewhere along the way I lost my feelings of self worth...life would go on if I was here or not...feeling very mortal too....but that is ok..we are...life is a gift....I know that deep down...I just need to remember it...Like I said the physical part of this is almost the easy part...it is the rest of it that is tiring...

Hope you all have pain free nights...and peaceful days...

Depression

OK here it is March 13th and I am a mess...I have been so depressed since I had the Doctors appointment in Baltimore...I just keep seeing/hearing him tell me so nonchalontely that "In my experience what you have not gotten back by now you won't get back"...I know it is his job and truthfully on a scale of 1 - 10 one being less traumatic and 10 being the worse case scenario of CES I am probably not close to a 10 even tho I feel like it....I am probably a 5 or 6....depends on the day....since my last appointment mentally I feel like a 12 and soaring....I just cannot get that out of my mind...I cannot accept it....Dr. Nair was very kind and immediately took charge of the situation and made arrangements for me to do what I had to do. I am not so sure he was impressed with me and my condition and for a doctor of his position that is a good thing...I learned long ago if you impress a specialist you could be physically in trouble...lol..(that comes from working in the atmosphere of medicine and hearing it from a doctor...lol)..now I just have to take the shots and get them done....I just can't stand this sitting around and waiting...waiting for what...to get better....not sure about that anymore...so do I settle? I never was good at settling...I need to get my mind off of this and get busy doing something....I need to quit feeling sorry for myself but it just will not go away...I cry at the drop of a hat...wonder if steroids make you emotional???

I have been thinking of getting counseling...I have so much going on with my life and I feel like I am in control of nothing...I feel like I am busting apart at the seams....it is a crazy life and now lets add CES...I am so angry ....I want to beat something or someone to death...I just want this to stop...I am over it...I am done with it...I want my life back.....I want to go somewhere with my dogs...I want to be able to wash my living room walls down...I just want to be able to clean my house and do the laundry without being reminded of CES...FUCK CES - period.

I feel like I am going thru the 5 stages of death according to Elizabeth Kubler Ross (?) (sorry Craig....I know Psych 101...you understand tho...momentary loss of memory...lol)

I cried and was sad when it happened to me....then I accepted it and decided that it could be worse and now I am pissed and I don't feel like barganing...there is nothing to bargin with...I want the feeling back in my toes.....I want to have an orgasm...I want to beable to have regular bowel movements without feeling gross about myself....then I feel guilty cause I feel this way....so go figure...have I progressed thru these stages or am I just having a bad day that has turned into a bad week, month...oh yeah I am working on year number 2....that was a reality for me toooo....I honestly thought when I had the first surgery I would get up and run out of that hospital with no leg pain and no back pain...and here I sit...looking at the same view and crying because I want to be outside or I need to pee and can't make it to the bathroom in time...you pick a reason.....I cry when I am happy ....I cry when I am sad...I am not sure what stage I am in now...I am not even sure I really care....

I used to love my life...now I just wish I had one...I feel consumed by CES...I know it could be worse and I am thankful that it isn't...but I don't have to like it and I have a right to be angry and sad...it is my body and my life I am mourning for...I just want to be like I was....I just want this all to end.... I don't like feeling like this and am going to call and make a doctors appointment...he needs to adjust some medication or something....I can't keep feeling sorry for myself like this and I see no light at the end of this tunnel....it makes me sad....I just am not happy at this moment and there is nothing anyone can do about it but me. I know that...so ...I guess I call the dr tomorrow...

Sorry if I am morbid today....it is what it is...lol...Johnna you will get that joke...btw...I love you too girly....you are a bright spot for me....ty ty ty.

I love how I write this thinking someone will actually read it...it is more of a diary for me...a way of venting and not laying this all out on my family...they are all so caught up in their own lives they don't need this on top of it...I will be ok...lol...someday....

Inner peace to you all....I do believe it is achievable...someway or another...the journey is the trip...lol...best of luck to ya...I think we are alllll gonna need it...so far this part of the journey sucks...like I said ...it is what it is....lol

Here we go again Part 2

Well here is it almost a month later and I have been on a whirlwind ride...or so it feels like. I had an appointment with my Nuerosurgeon and was told rather bluntlly that I indeed do have CES...not sure who it surprises the most when I here it.....me or the dr....they seem to say it so matter of factly...not sure what I want from them....at any rate I was given the "diagnoses" one more time...and again it sat in my throat like vomit I can't get up or down....it just leaves a nasty tase in my mouth...but this time Dr. Nair came right out and told me that it was in his experience that what I have not gotten back, as far as nerve repair, so far I probably would not get back...NOW... my friends....I have been kicked in the stomach....I feel like all my hope was dashed...lol...that sounds corny I know...and I can see people in worst shape than I am...but for the first time I am looking at my glass half empty...I cry at the drop of a hat....I feel on edge all the time...nervous ....depressed. I am so tired of doing this now ...what the hell does my future hold? Will this CES stuff get better? Why can't I have an agenda and know what to look forward to next? These are the unfair parts of CES...the not knowing....what a trip.

At any rate I went to see Dr. Nair and he informed me that I would need to see a pain management specialist and have steroid injections in my back...he referred me to Dr. Tiffany Williams from John Hopkins Hospital for pain management. He basically told me this was required by my insurance before they would ok another surgery. He did indeed tell me there was definately another herniation but we have to go by the rules... I was seen by Dr. Williams the next Monday...3 days after seeing Dr. Nair...it amazes me how fast they do things....well Dr. Williams and I had a consultation at 11am and she then prepared me for my first injection...I walked out of there at 2:00 pm...with steroids in my back and a feeling of having been in a whirlwind....I pretty much slept the next two days....my back bruised and I have to tell you when she hit the nerve I have never expierence such pain....my leg flew up involuntarily and the pain went from my back to my toes...it was horrible and last for was in reality maybe 2 seconds but it was foever long ....I cried...it hurt like hell and I don't care what anyone says....lol...and now.....well now I am not sure the shots are what they are cracked up to be....the frist three days it was ok...but I didn't do anything either....I took it easy...now ...this coming Monday will be 2 weeks...and I am not impressed....my back still bothers me...my toes are numb...my feet are numb...I have been having bowel and bladder issues ...I still have the pain when I stand to long...not as sharp or dibilitating ...but I still cannot stand longer than 20 mins tops till it starts hurting...maybe I was looking for a miricle...I still need the cane to walk...especially outside...and I have trouble getting up and down our of chairs....my back and legs spasm all the time...if I stand to long...if I start to turn over to fast...and forget about stretching in bed.....but...I guess I am still walking....that is a big thing...I know that...I just want more. Then I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself....CES has just messed me up so much...I had a life and was happy and was content with myself and what I had accomplished...this last 3 years has been a long hard test for me....and at this point in time I am not sure I am passing....I am just really tired....mentally and phsically I am so tired of hurting....I just want to wake up and it all be gone.....I wonder how people get to that spot where they are satisfied with theirselves again after a disability interupts thier lives....

So now I am playing a wait and see game....wait and see what the drs have to say...wait and see what the insurance is going to do or say....wait and see if I can go another day without peeing my pants....wait and see.....wait and see....it is crazy .....Lessons to learn I suppose.....I am not sure what Gods plan is here....we will see.....

In the mean time I am maintaining my drug regiment and hoping the nerve meds will help expeidate the healing...or is their going to be any more healing and when do you decide that...I mean why take the meds if their is nothing left to heal...so many quesitons....thank you CES....

Peace and love and painfree days to you all,


Me~!