Sunday, March 20, 2011

A new day...Another adventure...doesn't feel like it....

I don't feel like I have any adventure in my life anymore...I set in my bedroom or living room...I do manage to load my dish washer and do some laundry...I have broken down and hired someone to do the scrubbing and vaccumming and so on...If I ever get over this shit my house will be so clean...I promise you...now you can eat off my floors...any time you want and probably get a 7 course meal...the atmosphere right now is at about a 2 star.....lol...could be worse but I have seen better...my attitude still kind of sucks....I still cry at the drop of a hat. I guess that is OK...I know I am on an emotional roller coaster and I am trying to recognise that and owning it and changing it....It is just very very hard at times...

I am feeling let down by my husband ...and he is trying so hard...but it is like I cut him no slack....he works hard and I know he is tired...he is so good to me ...he will help me to the point of me thinking he is thinking I am useless and can't do it by myself...it is like I resent him for wanting to help me...it is crazy...I used to take care of him...it is my job...and that is how I looked at my house keeping...my job to take care of my family...I need to pull my own weight...now I do nothing..dishes if I can stand long enough to do them....I don't know what I really expect from him...he drinks ...and he drinks more than I like...I know it is is his outlet but I feel like he is trying to escape from me and I have no where to escape to...I don't know if I am mad at him, Ces, Life or myself for not handling this better....my husband is not drinking anymore....truth is probably less than he did before I had my legs broke or the disc exploded in my back and Ces entered my life....I just feel so alone in this...he always has taken care of me and now he can't fix it....and I resent him for it...maybe recognising the feelings will help me work thru them...misplaced anger...but then I have a right to be angry about legitimate things....he needs to calm his drinking down....I am tired of it, tired of CES...just tired in general...sometimes I think if I could just lay down and sleep...let my mind be empty...then I think this has nothing to do with CES but it does...if I was not afflicted by this syndrome I would not be having these thoughts and feelings...the emotional part of the CES is worse at times than the physical....the physical pain of CES can be controlled with a drug...the emotional pain of losing your independence and self worth is horrible...there is no drug that can take those feelings away and I have not quite hit on the formula for earning those feelings back..somewhere along the way I lost my feelings of self worth...life would go on if I was here or not...feeling very mortal too....but that is ok..we are...life is a gift....I know that deep down...I just need to remember it...Like I said the physical part of this is almost the easy part...it is the rest of it that is tiring...

Hope you all have pain free nights...and peaceful days...

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