Depression

OK here it is March 13th and I am a mess...I have been so depressed since I had the Doctors appointment in Baltimore...I just keep seeing/hearing him tell me so nonchalontely that "In my experience what you have not gotten back by now you won't get back"...I know it is his job and truthfully on a scale of 1 - 10 one being less traumatic and 10 being the worse case scenario of CES I am probably not close to a 10 even tho I feel like it....I am probably a 5 or 6....depends on the day....since my last appointment mentally I feel like a 12 and soaring....I just cannot get that out of my mind...I cannot accept it....Dr. Nair was very kind and immediately took charge of the situation and made arrangements for me to do what I had to do. I am not so sure he was impressed with me and my condition and for a doctor of his position that is a good thing...I learned long ago if you impress a specialist you could be physically in trouble...lol..(that comes from working in the atmosphere of medicine and hearing it from a doctor...lol)..now I just have to take the shots and get them done....I just can't stand this sitting around and waiting...waiting for what...to get better....not sure about that anymore...so do I settle? I never was good at settling...I need to get my mind off of this and get busy doing something....I need to quit feeling sorry for myself but it just will not go away...I cry at the drop of a hat...wonder if steroids make you emotional???

I have been thinking of getting counseling...I have so much going on with my life and I feel like I am in control of nothing...I feel like I am busting apart at the seams....it is a crazy life and now lets add CES...I am so angry ....I want to beat something or someone to death...I just want this to stop...I am over it...I am done with it...I want my life back.....I want to go somewhere with my dogs...I want to be able to wash my living room walls down...I just want to be able to clean my house and do the laundry without being reminded of CES...FUCK CES - period.

I feel like I am going thru the 5 stages of death according to Elizabeth Kubler Ross (?) (sorry Craig....I know Psych 101...you understand tho...momentary loss of memory...lol)

I cried and was sad when it happened to me....then I accepted it and decided that it could be worse and now I am pissed and I don't feel like barganing...there is nothing to bargin with...I want the feeling back in my toes.....I want to have an orgasm...I want to beable to have regular bowel movements without feeling gross about myself....then I feel guilty cause I feel this way....so go figure...have I progressed thru these stages or am I just having a bad day that has turned into a bad week, month...oh yeah I am working on year number 2....that was a reality for me toooo....I honestly thought when I had the first surgery I would get up and run out of that hospital with no leg pain and no back pain...and here I sit...looking at the same view and crying because I want to be outside or I need to pee and can't make it to the bathroom in time...you pick a reason.....I cry when I am happy ....I cry when I am sad...I am not sure what stage I am in now...I am not even sure I really care....

I used to love my life...now I just wish I had one...I feel consumed by CES...I know it could be worse and I am thankful that it isn't...but I don't have to like it and I have a right to be angry and sad...it is my body and my life I am mourning for...I just want to be like I was....I just want this all to end.... I don't like feeling like this and am going to call and make a doctors appointment...he needs to adjust some medication or something....I can't keep feeling sorry for myself like this and I see no light at the end of this tunnel....it makes me sad....I just am not happy at this moment and there is nothing anyone can do about it but me. I know that...so ...I guess I call the dr tomorrow...

Sorry if I am morbid today....it is what it is...lol...Johnna you will get that joke...btw...I love you too girly....you are a bright spot for me....ty ty ty.

I love how I write this thinking someone will actually read it...it is more of a diary for me...a way of venting and not laying this all out on my family...they are all so caught up in their own lives they don't need this on top of it...I will be ok...lol...someday....

Inner peace to you all....I do believe it is achievable...someway or another...the journey is the trip...lol...best of luck to ya...I think we are alllll gonna need it...so far this part of the journey sucks...like I said ...it is what it is....lol