Saturday, June 19, 2010

Bladder Infections...

I hate Bladder infections...this is about the 5th or 6th one I have had since I had my back surgery....they hurt like crap too. I am allergic to so many medicines that when I get them it scares me. I am always afraid I will have a reaction to the antibiotic they give me. This time (and the times before - because so far so good and it works for me) they gave me Ciprofloaxin..and like I said so far so good.

Today was a pretty good. I got my kitchen cleaned and we had a big breakfast with the boys...then we cleaned the kitchen again...amazing how many dishes you can acquire after dinner is over and you are just hanging around. These boys eat like boys is a true statement! We then played most of the day...they went swimming with thier day and I stayed home...that is like three times I would have loved to have went with them...but Thank you very much CES...I cannot walk back in the woods to the place they go swimming...I just could not do it and we cannot drive there.

After their swim we grilled and they had a water hose battle with their dad and Johnna...onery kids. Like I said it was a good day.

I am hoping that I will have a painless night...usually if I have a busy day my legs hurt me at night. I am hoping not tonight...wouldn't that be great!

I actually am trying to cut down on my intake of pain meds and it seems to be ok today...we will see what tomorrow brings...I hate to hurt...this nerve pain is the worse....sometimes it is in cramps and sometimes it just hurts to touch my skin....that is crazy. I ran out of the naproxin and it was like two days that I did not take it...well on the the third day (when I got them) I noticed that my hands really hurt. I am sure I have arthritis in my thumbs...they hurt....and they were fine while on the Naproxin...atleast I know they are helping something.

Ok...time to get off of here...hope you all have a wonderful night.

Take care,


Thursday, June 17, 2010

Another Day...another pain...

I thought today was going to be a good day until about 2 pm this afternoon and I had to pee and it hurt like the dickens...Well hello Bladder Infection.....How are you today? Just one more thing I am tired of battleing....these things hurt. I called my Dr and he is calling in some antibiotic for me...I guess because my bladder does not empty all the way it is just a breeding ground for infections...and they seem to flare up....I think I have had about 4 - 5 of them since I had surgery in Feb. That is less than one a month but still one is one too many.....I actually peed a blood clot this evening...I am sooooo tired of being sick. I don't know how or why this has happened to is not fair and I am so tired of it. I pray everyday for God to make this go away any way he has to...I would gladly lay down and die if I thought I would never get over this...I do not want to live this way...I am tired of hurting....I am no good to anyone this way.....I just do not want to do this any more.

I have physical therapy tomorrow and I am peeing blood ...I have canceled more than I have been able to go...I am getting tired of that also....but I know I do not feel like going tomorrow if I feel this way when I wake up.

My back hurts, my legs hurts and my groin is hurting tonight...I am sure that is the bladder stuff
....on that note...I am going to bed...I was always told when you have nothing good to say - say nothing....that sums me up tonight...I hurt and it is not good.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Not much going on...

yep...not much going on around here now...I seem to be at a stand still with my CES but I have noticed that life does move son is now divorced and the kids are now on a scheduled visitation with their father and I do not have to be involved in that....which is a good thing as far as lessening the responsibility factor and the stress level ....but truth is if the kids are with thier father they are here too. LOL Sooooooooo life does go on.

I had a doctors appointment on the 11th and he seemed pleased with my love that "my condition" . I thought I had realized that this was a long term thing and that I would have to deal with it on a daily basis yadda yadda yadda...well I am not sure that I am adjusting as well as I should be...but then I guess it is normal to be depressed. I get mad at my body pisses me off that I cannot do what I want and that I hurt. I guess that is all part of it...if you read on the forums it certainly seems to be. Everyone talks about being tired of it and not wanting to deal with it and the pain in the legs. That really amazes me...everyone talks about the unbearable pain.

Last night I had a horrible legs hurt so bad I was up rubbing and massaging and propping them up, then sitting up and letting them dangle from the bed...I actually almost fell asleep sitting up...that seems to relieve my pain in my legs alot...I am almost learning to sleep sitting keeps saying get a recliner and all I can think of is a girlfriend of mine...her father had had a stroke and he sat in his recliner and issued orders and watched tv all day long and was not happy at all...I refuse to go to a is just not happening! Whats next a potty chair????? I think not. I may not beable to get to the bathroom in time all the time but I am not giving up and using a potty chair or a ......not happening.

I know I took pain pills to close together last night but I hurt. I worry about the pain pills and becoming addicted but I needed them last night.

ok...have company...will finish later.....

Ok back... Jason and Johnna was here...they are funny is good to see my son smile again....I wish them nothing but the best!!! Now back to pain pills...they scare me...scare the shit right out of me...I am scared to death of becoming addicted to them...but then I have night like I did last night and I swear I could have eaten them by the jar full. Eventually they did help and I was concious of what I took and how many but I swear I worried about them the whole time I took them. I guess just seeing what it has done to people around me and then omg ....just watch tv and the reality shows about drugs and is scarey. Now I take 4 different pain pills a is craziness. My doctor and I talk about the pain situation all the time and he and I both have agreed that if I need them I need them...and we both worry about my taking too many of them ...but I also made it clear to him that I might have days where I only take 2 pills a day...then I might have days when I take 5 to 6 a just depends on the day. So we are going to start keeping diary. He thinks that I might be getting depressed because I am not realizing that I am having more good days than bad days and if it is in black and white then I will see that. I am going to take it a step further I think and try to monitor my pain pills and how I take them. I know that I take more at night than all day. Jason and everyone tells me that I need to take them on a regular not wait till I am having pain....I just take them when I need them...maybe they are right but I am telling you my leg pain is horrible.

I am still on the Gaberpentin...I am now taking 1800 mg a makes me goofy and it gives me blurry vision. I had no idea that blurry vision was side effect to the drug. If I take the Gaberpentin with the hydrocodone I get really dull. That is the best word I can use to describe that! I could sleep I think on those two easily.

Ok well my leg is reall starting to bother me and I need to get coffee on for Jr. so he can switch me spots....

nite all!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Pain and Day Shift!

Well my Internet was off from May the 26th until about 1:00 today...I was thrilled to get it back I have to admit...I did not realize how much of my day is spent on my computer. I would chastise myself but truth is with this CES crap (can you tell how I am feeling) I really do live a part of my life thru this thing. Partly because I am always reading about CES...there has to be answers out there....and partly because I am bored. Lets add that to the list of things that CES has brought to my life...boredom~! I would love to be able to just clean my house.....I swear...scrub my carpets...I would like to be able to stand long enough to do my dishes without pain almost bringing me to the ground. I am so tired of this.

The Dr has been playing with my pain meds and I am not sure it is working....I seem to be having more pain and break thru pain....he cut my pain meds in half and it is just not working. I have been trying to get an appointment with a neurosurgeon in Cumberland that has a pain management background. His receptionist told me that they were booking in September for Pain management. I am learning first hand what others were talking about in various support groups when they speak of the Drs not realizing the pain we have or not understanding that it is different every day...different symptoms...numbness where there was no numbness one can understand it until they are living it. I have lost muscle mass, my right leg is cold and discolored, painful to the point of tears, but numb also....I cannot believe I am going thru this. I just don't understand why this happened.

I also think I am in disbelief son told me yesterday that I needed to get used to the idea that I would probably never be the same again...that I would have pain and that I needed to realize that and quit expecting so much of myself and start letting people do things for me. My answer to him was that I HAVE to believe that I will get well...that I have to see myself running with the boys...if I do not believe I can do that then I will get stagnant and I cannot be one of those people who give up and just set all day. I just cannot do that....but truth is I am feeling sorry for myself. I have cried everyday for the last week, cried and prayed and told God that I just cannot handle this and he has to take it from me and just give me the courage to get thru the day. It makes me feel better I have given this hardship to someone else to carry for awhile...then I urinate myself on the way to the bathroom and again I am back in my rut of feeling sorry for myself .

I seem to be so mean lately.....I have nothing good to say about a lot of stuff that is going on in my give a dam has busted and for some reason I am not hesitating to let people know that. I don't know if it is the medicine or if I am just tired of the bull crap. I feel like what some people are going thru is nothing and so much is like I want to say " STOP IT " stop the bull shit.....I so want to get on with my life and be able to drive to the store if I want to and not depend on someone...and the bullshit is floating around....I cannot handle it...I am tired of it....I am done with it....I have more important things on my plate....I just want to walk pain free.
I do not like myself like this and I think that is why I am so is like I do not have a good word to say to anyone. This is not me...not the before CES I am so self absorbed it is sickening. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and being mean to people but that is where I am now.....and I am so sorry all the time. I am so sorry that I talk mean, I am sorry my house is not clean, I am sorry I cannot be with my mother to make sure she is ok, I am sorry I am not being a better daughter to my father, I am sorry my dogs are being neglected....I just wish I could get back to being me.....I see no end in sight for this crap. Maybe Jason is right ....I just have to accept it...and try to go on.

Well one good thing has happened this past week. My husband has been on day shift and I realized just how important he is and how much I need him and how much he does for me. I felt very secure when he put us all to bed at night....tucked in for the night....everything I needed for the night. Then in the morning....he is here to help me get out of bed. There are mornings when I cannot get my legs to work and I hurt so bad it is unreal....he rubs my legs and gets me going in the mornings....I don't know what I would do without him. Well to make a long story short he is going back on midnights Sunday night and life will be back to normal....well.....CES style anyway.

My son has been going thru a divorce the last couple of months and it is finally done. It has been very very stressful....I was involved because my son only had supervised visitation with the boys and I had to be involved.....they were here five days a week....and I think it was too much for me...but now I think I have empty nest syndrome and will miss them now that they are allowed to be with their father by their selves...and I can send them home again....almost normal on the aspect!

OK.... that is enough for now....that is an hours worth of talking like a therapy session....I got some stuff out and that is good... I have cried a couple of times while writing this but that is normal...I usually just try to shake it off and make a joke....I just do not feel like joking now....I hurt.