Pain and Day Shift!

Well my Internet was off from May the 26th until about 1:00 today...I was thrilled to get it back I have to admit...I did not realize how much of my day is spent on my computer. I would chastise myself but truth is with this CES crap (can you tell how I am feeling) I really do live a part of my life thru this thing. Partly because I am always reading about CES...there has to be answers out there....and partly because I am bored. Lets add that to the list of things that CES has brought to my life...boredom~! I would love to be able to just clean my house.....I swear...scrub my carpets...I would like to be able to stand long enough to do my dishes without pain almost bringing me to the ground. I am so tired of this.

The Dr has been playing with my pain meds and I am not sure it is working....I seem to be having more pain and break thru pain....he cut my pain meds in half and it is just not working. I have been trying to get an appointment with a neurosurgeon in Cumberland that has a pain management background. His receptionist told me that they were booking in September for Pain management. I am learning first hand what others were talking about in various support groups when they speak of the Drs not realizing the pain we have or not understanding that it is different every day...different symptoms...numbness where there was no numbness ....no one can understand it until they are living it. I have lost muscle mass, my right leg is cold and discolored, painful to the point of tears, but numb also....I cannot believe I am going thru this. I just don't understand why this happened.

I also think I am in disbelief ....my son told me yesterday that I needed to get used to the idea that I would probably never be the same again...that I would have pain and that I needed to realize that and quit expecting so much of myself and start letting people do things for me. My answer to him was that I HAVE to believe that I will get well...that I have to see myself running with the boys...if I do not believe I can do that then I will get stagnant and I cannot be one of those people who give up and just set all day. I just cannot do that....but truth is I am feeling sorry for myself. I have cried everyday for the last week, cried and prayed and told God that I just cannot handle this and he has to take it from me and just give me the courage to get thru the day. It makes me feel better ....like I have given this hardship to someone else to carry for awhile...then I urinate myself on the way to the bathroom and again I am back in my rut of feeling sorry for myself .

I seem to be so mean lately.....I have nothing good to say about a lot of stuff that is going on in my life....lol....my give a dam has busted and for some reason I am not hesitating to let people know that. I don't know if it is the medicine or if I am just tired of the bull crap. I feel like what some people are going thru is nothing and so much drama....it is like I want to say " STOP IT " stop the bull shit.....I so want to get on with my life and be able to drive to the store if I want to and not depend on someone...and the bullshit is floating around....I cannot handle it...I am tired of it....I am done with it....I have more important things on my plate....I just want to walk pain free.
I do not like myself like this and I think that is why I am so mean...it is like I do not have a good word to say to anyone. This is not me...not the before CES me....now I am so self absorbed it is sickening. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and being mean to people but that is where I am now.....and I am so sorry all the time. I am so sorry that I talk mean, I am sorry my house is not clean, I am sorry I cannot be with my mother to make sure she is ok, I am sorry I am not being a better daughter to my father, I am sorry my dogs are being neglected....I just wish I could get back to being me.....I see no end in sight for this crap. Maybe Jason is right ....I just have to accept it...and try to go on.

Well one good thing has happened this past week. My husband has been on day shift and I realized just how important he is and how much I need him and how much he does for me. I felt very secure when he put us all to bed at night....tucked in for the night....everything I needed for the night. Then in the morning....he is here to help me get out of bed. There are mornings when I cannot get my legs to work and I hurt so bad it is unreal....he rubs my legs and gets me going in the mornings....I don't know what I would do without him. Well to make a long story short he is going back on midnights Sunday night and life will be back to normal....well.....CES style anyway.

My son has been going thru a divorce the last couple of months and it is finally done. It has been very very stressful....I was involved because my son only had supervised visitation with the boys and I had to be involved.....they were here five days a week....and I think it was too much for me...but now I think I have empty nest syndrome and will miss them now that they are allowed to be with their father by their selves...and I can send them home again....almost normal on the aspect!

OK.... that is enough for now....that is an hours worth of talking like a therapy session....I got some stuff out and that is good... I have cried a couple of times while writing this but that is normal...I usually just try to shake it off and make a joke....I just do not feel like joking now....I hurt.