Not much going on...

yep...not much going on around here now...I seem to be at a stand still with my CES but I have noticed that life does move on....my son is now divorced and the kids are now on a scheduled visitation with their father and I do not have to be involved in that....which is a good thing as far as lessening the responsibility factor and the stress level ....but truth is if the kids are with thier father they are here too. LOL Sooooooooo life does go on.

I had a doctors appointment on the 11th and he seemed pleased with my condition....lol...I love that "my condition" . I thought I had realized that this was a long term thing and that I would have to deal with it on a daily basis yadda yadda yadda...well I am not sure that I am adjusting as well as I should be...but then I guess it is normal to be depressed. I get mad at my body too....it pisses me off that I cannot do what I want and that I hurt. I guess that is all part of it...if you read on the forums it certainly seems to be. Everyone talks about being tired of it and not wanting to deal with it and the pain in the legs. That really amazes me...everyone talks about the unbearable pain.

Last night I had a horrible night....my legs hurt so bad I was up rubbing and massaging and propping them up, then sitting up and letting them dangle from the bed...I actually almost fell asleep sitting up...that seems to relieve my pain in my legs alot...I am almost learning to sleep sitting up...lol...Everyone keeps saying get a recliner and all I can think of is a girlfriend of mine...her father had had a stroke and he sat in his recliner and issued orders and watched tv all day long and was not happy at all...I refuse to go to a recliner...it is just not happening! Whats next a potty chair????? I think not. I may not beable to get to the bathroom in time all the time but I am not giving up and using a potty chair or a recliner....no ......not happening.

I know I took pain pills to close together last night but I hurt. I worry about the pain pills and becoming addicted but I needed them last night.

ok...have company...will finish later.....

Ok back... Jason and Johnna was here...they are funny ....it is good to see my son smile again....I wish them nothing but the best!!! Now back to pain pills...they scare me...scare the shit right out of me...I am scared to death of becoming addicted to them...but then I have night like I did last night and I swear I could have eaten them by the jar full. Eventually they did help and I was concious of what I took and how many but I swear I worried about them the whole time I took them. I guess just seeing what it has done to people around me and then omg ....just watch tv and the reality shows about drugs and addiction...it is scarey. Now I take 4 different pain pills a day...it is craziness. My doctor and I talk about the pain situation all the time and he and I both have agreed that if I need them I need them...and we both worry about my taking too many of them ...but I also made it clear to him that I might have days where I only take 2 pills a day...then I might have days when I take 5 to 6 a day....it just depends on the day. So we are going to start keeping diary. He thinks that I might be getting depressed because I am not realizing that I am having more good days than bad days and if it is in black and white then I will see that. I am going to take it a step further I think and try to monitor my pain pills and how I take them. I know that I take more at night than all day. Jason and everyone tells me that I need to take them on a regular basis...do not wait till I am having pain....I just take them when I need them...maybe they are right but I am telling you my leg pain is horrible.

I am still on the Gaberpentin...I am now taking 1800 mg a day....it makes me goofy and it gives me blurry vision. I had no idea that blurry vision was side effect to the drug. If I take the Gaberpentin with the hydrocodone I get really dull. That is the best word I can use to describe it...Dull....lol...me...imagine that! I could sleep I think on those two easily.

Ok well my leg is reall starting to bother me and I need to get coffee on for Jr. so he can switch me spots....

nite all!