Monday, August 30, 2010

Summer is almost over...

I have heard the katydids for several weeks now...that means winter is just around the corner...I am really not looking forward to is hard enough for me to motivate on bare ground...I can only imagine what slick walkways and so forth will be like for me....guess I will just have to rely on the men in my life to pick up the slack. I think I am trying to prepare myself to be a shut in for the winter.....not really....the thought of it is already getting to me.
I haven't written here for awhile because I have been so busy with kids....seems like I have them alot...then throw in Jr and Jason and my mom....well for someone that does not get around much it sure seems to me that I am busy. I know I am tired. I really feel tired lately.
I thought I seemed to be getting along better and was curious as to whether I really needed the pain medications....well....I decided I would take myself off of them. Well I am here to tell you ....if you decide to take yourself off of any medications talk to your doctor first! I have never been so sick in my life as I was then. I had sweats, sick to my stomach, diarreaha, chills, and my bones ached....Well my son gave me the devil and made me take a pain pill..and within the hour I was feeling better....So what this tells me is that my body is addicted to the narcotics. NOT my brain because I would really like to throw them away...but I can't because I need them for the pain firstly...and secondly I am physically addicted to them and will have to do a regiment of decreasing them to get them out of my system. I would like to think that soon I can pitch them but....if I have many nights like I did last night I may need to keep taking them. My back woke me up this morning hurting....I slept with my legs propped up .....but that did not seem to matter...I was hurting. I get so tired of hurting.
My bladder and bowel functions seem to be returning to normal....I am so happy about that. I would like to think that sexual functioning is returning also....truth is we have very little time it seems for kids kids! It is pretty bad when grandma and grandpap have to make an appointment for sex!
The numbness in my legs seems to come and left leg actually seems to be bothering me more lately. I find that was my right leg that was affected first! The arch of both feet, the big toe, and second toe and up the top of my foot is numb. I still feel like I am standing on gravel. And omg does it hurt if I step on something, like a pebble or popcorn kernal, feels like someone is stabbing me in the foot.
I still cannot stand for long periods of time...just about long enough to do the dishes then I am needing to sit down. My lower back starts hurting and it goes right down the back of my legs to my sucks getting old!
I am still on the same medicine regiment - except the dr decreased my pain meds by now I take only 2 hydrocodone a day...tramadol, naproxian, and gaberpenten for pain and nerve healing.
I still have trouble with depression...I still am having a hard time sitting around all the time....I wish I could get up and run with the dogs....soon.....I am hoping anyway!
Ok....I will try to add more later,

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Well here we go

Thats what it feels like anyway...had a drs appointment today...he did the normal things...we talked about pain and how I am doing. Not much has really changed in the last L 4/L5 are still acting up a bit but he is very pleased with my recovery so far...I am hoping it just continues along the way. I will be 7 months post op on Sept 5th.....actually I think I am doing pretty well. Bending and standing are still a bit of a problem for me...I am still walking with a cane and I have good days and bad days I will continue taking the medication the way I am suppose to and just keep maintaining.

I am still having bladder problems....I really need to be near a bathroom when I get the urge to pee....but atleast I am getting some warning now and I can get the beginning I had a horrible time. I am praying that the nerves that stimulate that feeling heal and heal allll the way. There is a possibility that they will only heal so far and thats' all folks! I suppose that is why the dr told me we would see where we are in 18 months....

Walking....Walking is really a problem for me...toward the end of the day it is hard for me to get up and down sometimes....depends on the day....I find that I cannot walk very far and am really unsteady on my feet. I am hoping that comes back too. I cannot wait for the day to come when I want something and I just jump up and get I have to get in the right position to push myself up with my old does that sound to you....this sooooo sucks. I am really tired of it.

The Doctor hit on that too...he told me that people with this stuff going on really do have a hard time with depression and he suggests that I get up and go if I can...he said he has faith in me to do it and that he knows I will be ok....little does he know of the days I sit here and cry because I cannot do what I want...I am tired of being depressed and not being able to do what I want to do......oh well....this to shall pass I suppose.

All in all I guess this was a pretty good doctors appoint is in 2 months....I will be back before then I am sure - I mean here - not the drs office - gonna hold out on that one as long as I can!

Ok ....need to go check the pizza for the I we go again!

peace and love to you all!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Another night....another pain! was a really unsettling day....My body aches and my head and heart are gloomy. I chose to not go to my family reunion today...I think it is the first one I have every missed....Physically and emotionally I just could not do it.....My left leg has really been giving me some issues. I go to the drs on Tuesday....I am not sure if this is due to more herniation of the disc or if it because nerves are healing. I just know that I am still in pain...walking with a cane and missed the first reunion ever in my life. I guess thats the way it goes.

I can't really blame missing the reuion on my was alot of family dynamics too....I just could not handle it...I needed to be home in my own space so that is what I chose to do....hard decision and my mother was not at all pleased but I am sorry ....that is the way it goes....My grandsons and I had a pretty good day....Charlie took off with his dad when he came home and Benson and I hung around the house...he helped me do some stuff around here...they are pretty good kids....I worry about them.....

I seem to be worrying about everything all the time lately and seem to be doing nothing but crying and feeling sorry for myself...I don't like it....I don't like it at all. I need to do something....get off my ass and do something. I just wish this was over.....I miss my independence and I am tired of crying....I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.....I mean if it is karma...shit I must really be a bad one...and then I think is because I need to learn a lesson....ok....whats the lesson and can we speed this up....I want to do like Uncle Kracker says in his want to dance in the sunshine....I think that is how the like's a good song.

Ok I am out of here.....hopefully the man of my dreams will visit me tonight. Night all...peaceful
and painless I hope for you all.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

August....what a month!

I thought when I started this blog that I would be on here every day...well it does not work like that.....I don't want to keep dwelling on what is going on with my body...but my body does not feel any different really. If your are reading this blog you probably know someone that has CES or you have read about it now...I can check in here every day and tell you that my feet are numb, my legs hurt me, I can't stand much over 20 mins, yada yada yada.....I wish it was over.

At present time my left leg is giving me some trouble....I am not sure if it is nerves hearling or more of the "slight herniation" that was seen in the second MRI....might be time for another MRI.....who knows? I just know I am very tired of the pain never goes gets easier...but never goes away.

I am also fighting with depression. I honestly want to just hide and not have to deal with anyone. It is depressing to sit in this house 24/7....and hard to do anything when you can't stand for very long or walk for very far.....I am so very tired of this. The Dr did change my medication but I am not sure it helps. It seems like all I do is yell or cry...but then a newly divorced son, 2 grandsons that are bouncing off the walls with hormones and parents that are putting them in the middle of shit....and then Jr.......such a good man......he probably deserves better than this....I think when it came to women he got a lemon....worse is at this point I am not really sure I care....I am to tired to worry about what everyone else thinks.......I need to get away from this.....I do not feel like myself...I feel like I am lost and trapped.....I just really do not want to do this anymore.

I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this....I just can't. I know I can look around and find people in worse shape than me but I don't care tonight. I am the one that can't go grocery shopping by herself anymore...I am the one that cannot walk her dogs....I am the one that cannot carry a load of laundry without hurting....I am over it. I want it to be done. I am tired of crying and hurting. It does't feel very fair to me.
Sorry to be such a downer tonight....such is a day in Cauda Equinaville!