Saturday, November 20, 2010

Good morning!

All seems to be going well...I did start physical therapy and my therapist is the greatest...she is pleasant, fun, encouraging and real....I really like her I now have a regiment of exercises to do every day. It is a good thing...if nothing else it gets me out of the house and I actually see people. That is a good thing.

Dr. De Marco order the Pelvic Wall Therapy (or whatever it is called) and it seems to consist mainly squeezing exercises...can't do anything by make my butt smaller right????? Lots of leg exercises, which is legs are so weak...I cannot squat down and get up...going up steps used to be a problem...I did not realize just how weak they were until steps came into the picture...but even that is getting better....They also put me on the tread mill which is exciting to me....I love to walk...I wish it was outside but I am going to do it every day...I have made up my maybe by this spring I can walk my dogs....then Sativa and I can get back to the nursing homes and Walker can maybe ....notice I say maybe....get some more training in....I would so love to see him do something....right now I feel like he is getting cheated but he loves me so and I love him....he is Little Boy Dog...ok enough of dogs. But you know that is what keeps me going...soon I will be able to walk my dogs...I just know So back to the tread mill....she started me out very slowly...I as her about the ab lounger and she said would be to much on my back she thinks. Lots of resistance exercises too with big bands of different is an hour a day to do all the that is good ...3 times a week I get to go in there and then the days here I work out so it should help me lose some of the weight I have gained from being so sedentary the last three years....

I had the MRI and am waiting on the results of it. I am really hoping that I do not have to have anymore surgery but if I do I will and it will be fine....crazy but fine I know it is one of those dis- stress things that my GP told me is a stress that I can do nothing about....that was a good lesson for me to learn. There are some things that you just can do nothing about....I cannot cure or handle or take care of or make it all right all the time....sometimes my son and my husband ...just have to learn to fend for this point in time I can only take care of me. And it is not that I don't love the them...of course I love my family - but I cannot change my situation so they need to dummy seem to be using that phrase alot lately.

So my step granddaughter and her little one have been staying with seems to be good for me, especially having Lily...she is so cute and so smart...and she is so good. It is fun to have a little one in the house again...we play and watch movies together...she comes and tells me that I need to hold about a mood lifter...yep Lily is a Godsend at this moment. Jr and I have found ourselves in a predicament with Jessica...her mother threw her out and she has no place to go....she is my sons ex wife's daughter...her mother is upset that she is here but yet she has thrown her out...her mother feels like she is being betrayed by Jessie....This is just can be elevated.....I could tell Jessie no she cannot stay here. But then I feel like what kind of person would I be...she has been a part of our life since she was 4 years old. She is my granddaughter...her blood grandmother told her she could come stay with her for 2 days but then she would have to find a place...excuse me she has Lily to worry about...what now? So yes I could elevate that stress but I will never turn her away. Besides I am enjoying her...I love kids and Lily is a bright spot for me.

I am not sure really if stress aggravates the CES but I am sure it is not good for the depression part. I currently take Cymbalta 60 mg and Amitriptaline 25 mg at night for my nerves and depression. It seems to help and this is a good thing.

Seems like my bladder is still about the same. I have been trying to do the kegel exercises when I think about it and I also have been trying to stop my urine stream mid stream...thinking it will strengthen the muscles so I can control the fact that my brain tells me I have to pee and it is running down my leg at the same time....and truth is I cannot run so sometimes I barely make far I have been lucky. I have thought that I should just put an extra set of clothes in my truck when I go out...for a long time I wore depends pads when I went our and I carried a pair of panties in my purse...never had to use them but was glad I had them. Who would think I would have to worry about these things. I just had a bad bout with constipation. I still have no urges to go to the bathroom. I had not had a bowel movement if five days...I really had a rough time and for the first time while I was trying to make myself go I actually thought about the hospital. I did not think about me going to the hospital....I was I can only imagine the feeling of having to go to the hospital and having to go thru that. After I went to the bathroom I really stomach and my rectum - like up inside really hurt for a couple of days....I had to take it easy. The next two day I had 5 bowel movements - one for each day I I am going kind of reg but still no urges...I just set and squeeze my butt cheeks and hope the muscle tone comes back.
Evidently the pelvic floor really affects alot of things....

OK well that is about it for the goes on and it is time I got to mine...

Peace and painfree days to you all!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Support Groups...

Ok....well I am a firm believer in communication.....I believe it helps to get your thoughts out and I believe we are intitled to our feelings and our thoughts.....and God bless those that do communicate in the CES forums but I cannot take it...I just cannot deal with hearing how sick those people are....some of them have been dealing with this for 20 plus years....some are dealing with stuff that I have only read about....but I cannot take it.....I cannot read about it....reading about it dims the light at the end of my tunnel if that makes sense to you.

I recently join a chat group for people who suffer of CES....this chat is a email based chat...I only use my Yahoo account for it....well today I checked my email and there were 234 input on different conditions due to CES......well....I was was just to much for me to take in. The worst of it was that it seemed to me they were lifers....if you know anything about the military you know what a lifer is....well they were lifers.....there forever...always fighting the same battle...I can't be a lifer to is just to much for me.

I understand that my life has changed. I understand that I have to do things differently...but I refuse to give into it...I just can't. If I do it will be all over for me....I have a dream of walking without pain and without a cane.....I want to walk my dogs.....I want to go for a walk in the woods....I want to ride a bicycle just one more time.....I just cannot do that chat thing....everyone talking about not being able to do this or do that...well what the hell...what about what they can do.....there are people out there is no much more worse shape than I am in....I just cannot be faced with nothing but negativity and that is what the chat seemed to be.....I deleted them...I looked at two or three subjects and I just could not do physically made me shudder....and for a rare syndrome there seems to be alot of people involved there....My new doctor said CES covers a wide spectrum of symptoms and it is hard to diagnose....well not hard but that is why doctors are slow to use that as a many symptoms ....well maybe that is true but you know what...that is what it is all about for anyone...everyone I know has an ailment or a boo boo they need to take care of does not end thier lives....nor do they give up.

In my opinion one of the worse symptoms that goes along with the CES is depression....well let me tell you...I do so believe that. This last time I went to the doctors I walked away with a good outlook but I so wanted a quick fix....I wanted this magic doctor at this magic spine institute to give me a magic pill and fix me....that's all.....and when I realized that was not going to happen I crashed...I cried for about 3 days...then I was just pissy....self centered and pissy...but you know what...thats ok. It is ok for me to have bad days and to be a bit is not ok for me to dwell on is not ok for me to give up. That chat line was so overwhelmings to me...I felt like these people were just to accepting...talking about disability and pain and it was just too much for me....I wish them all the best...I was sorry for most of them and counting my blessings....I am sooooo very very lucky....I think I refuse to mentally go to that horrible giving in stage....I just cannot give in to this...there has to be light at the end of the tunnel......right now I just want the pain to go away and I want to walk my dogs.....thats all.

Now lets talk sex.....I am so sexually thought things were working right and now I realize they are not quite as willing physically as they are mentally. I thought it was going to be ok but now I am not sure....this new doctor has order what is called Pelvic Floor is exercises you do to help strengthen the pelvic wall...this is suppose to help with bladder control and with sexual feeling. This is, according to what I have read, and I do read alot....but this is normal for CES sufferers. I only know how to say this in the English language but it is not uncommonly reported by CES sufferers that stimulation to the clitoris will still produce orgasmic feelings and the urges to orgasm are strong but no actual orgasm is reached. So therefore mental orgasms are as important as physical orgasms....well I have to tell you I just want to know the plumbing still in the mean time my poor husband is trying to be very understanding....we will see....omg....when I was able to have sex I was turning the poor man away I am telling him we have to practice to make sure it works....I never thought sex was that important. I thought it was something that could be lived without. Now I realize just what a vital part of a relationship it is....a closeness that is only shared with a select person or persons at the time. It kind of seals the deal for a level of love that can only be expressed that way....if CES robs a person of that well I day at a time and we will see.

Ok....I just needed to vent about that chat was just to negative for me.....I am not going to leave it...but I am not going to dwell in the light is to short even if you have to wobble down the road you have to keep wobbling! lol

Heres wishing you peaceful and painfree days,


Thursday, November 11, 2010

Here we go again....

Wow...seems like forever since I have written anything here...I guess I just have to say I am maintaining....My health seems like it has been the same since forever....nothing seems to legs are still doing the numb does seem to come and go.....what really is bothering me is that my left leg seems to be really acting up more than my right is so comes and toes go numb....then what is really wierd is that my left foot....all the way around my a tight it goes away...and then maybe I will feel like I am walking on glass...omg..I stepped on a popcorn kernel and wanting to got me that is for sure...thank goodness it was like a shock kind of thing and not something that is 11:31 pm and I just went to the kitchen from my bedroom and back....25 feet maybe...and I was not sure my left hip and leg wanted to come with right foot is also swollen tonight...funny how that foot will swell...I think it may have something to do with the way I set....I have to set up straight and kind of like an Indian...and I think my right leg dangles off the bed...and that might be part of the problem but it is my most comfy position....guess I will try to have to figure it crazy.

Ok...I have went to another Doctor....add one more to my list....I am happy to say that I am impressed with this place. It is called Parkway Neurosurgeon and Spine Institute......a state of art place I assure you.....I had a very nice Doctor who did listen to me. He did explain to me that the reason that most Doctors have a hard time diagnosing or saying the words Cauda Equina Syndrome is because it covers such a wide spectrum of symptoms. I found that interesting and I will have to think about My new Doctor did a Nerve Conduction Test...I am thinking it is the same as am EMG...they put needles in you and send electric current thru the nerves or muscles and measures how long it takes the nerve to tell you that you have pain....atleast I think that is it....I did read about it and that is how I understood it. I I do indeed have CES....I keep wanting to find a doctor that has that magic pill and a date that this will be ofcourse I am fighting fast fix...busted my bubble one more is where I am suppose to give myself the infamous "It can always be worse" speech...yeah I know that...I am thankful for what I do have but don't blame me for wanting it all...."IT ALL" meaning ...walking without a cane...going to the bathroom without feeling like I am not going to make it....regular bowels...un-numb feet...leg pain...see what a funk I am really does. I just want to walk my dogs....thats all...the Dr asked me what I wanted for my end result...and I cried...I just want to walk my dogs....thats all....well that and an is another story another day...I am learning sexual dysfunction is also really prevelent with CES....all I can say is ...I feel old...but I am ceretainly NOT dead....I am learning that there is more to sex than physical touching and that a mental orgasm is as good...if not better...than physical sex. I feel rather shy talking about my sex life here but it is a fact that sexual dysfunction is a fact of life with this wonderful adventure I have parts do not work like they used to...there I said it...I have had.... I feel so inadiquate in so many ways....CES is ceretainly not good for ones mental state I can tell you that....

There have been some medicine changes also....the Dr. upped my Gaberpenting to 2400 mg a day, he changed my pain meds also...he increased them since I am going to physical therapy...he also gave me a new order for a MRI w and w/o dye, he also gave me a new order Physical Therapy and also wants me to have Pelvic Floor Therapy....don't ask is a whole new blog....I go back to him December 6th....then hopefully we will have a game plan....we will see.....He did ask me if I was willing to do agressive therapy if I needed it....I asked him what that meant and he said answer was yes...anything to make this go away....I hate the thought of having surgery again but if I need to I need to.....I just want to walk my dogs....Like I said I am tired of this whole process....I just want it to be done.