Here we go again Part 2

Well here is it almost a month later and I have been on a whirlwind ride...or so it feels like. I had an appointment with my Nuerosurgeon and was told rather bluntlly that I indeed do have CES...not sure who it surprises the most when I here it.....me or the dr....they seem to say it so matter of factly...not sure what I want from them....at any rate I was given the "diagnoses" one more time...and again it sat in my throat like vomit I can't get up or down....it just leaves a nasty tase in my mouth...but this time Dr. Nair came right out and told me that it was in his experience that what I have not gotten back, as far as nerve repair, so far I probably would not get back...NOW... my friends....I have been kicked in the stomach....I feel like all my hope was dashed...lol...that sounds corny I know...and I can see people in worst shape than I am...but for the first time I am looking at my glass half empty...I cry at the drop of a hat....I feel on edge all the time...nervous ....depressed. I am so tired of doing this now ...what the hell does my future hold? Will this CES stuff get better? Why can't I have an agenda and know what to look forward to next? These are the unfair parts of CES...the not knowing....what a trip.

At any rate I went to see Dr. Nair and he informed me that I would need to see a pain management specialist and have steroid injections in my back...he referred me to Dr. Tiffany Williams from John Hopkins Hospital for pain management. He basically told me this was required by my insurance before they would ok another surgery. He did indeed tell me there was definately another herniation but we have to go by the rules... I was seen by Dr. Williams the next Monday...3 days after seeing Dr. Nair...it amazes me how fast they do things....well Dr. Williams and I had a consultation at 11am and she then prepared me for my first injection...I walked out of there at 2:00 pm...with steroids in my back and a feeling of having been in a whirlwind....I pretty much slept the next two days....my back bruised and I have to tell you when she hit the nerve I have never expierence such pain....my leg flew up involuntarily and the pain went from my back to my toes...it was horrible and last for was in reality maybe 2 seconds but it was foever long ....I cried...it hurt like hell and I don't care what anyone says....lol...and now.....well now I am not sure the shots are what they are cracked up to be....the frist three days it was ok...but I didn't do anything either....I took it easy...now ...this coming Monday will be 2 weeks...and I am not impressed....my back still bothers me...my toes are numb...my feet are numb...I have been having bowel and bladder issues ...I still have the pain when I stand to long...not as sharp or dibilitating ...but I still cannot stand longer than 20 mins tops till it starts hurting...maybe I was looking for a miricle...I still need the cane to walk...especially outside...and I have trouble getting up and down our of chairs....my back and legs spasm all the time...if I stand to long...if I start to turn over to fast...and forget about stretching in bed.....but...I guess I am still walking....that is a big thing...I know that...I just want more. Then I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself....CES has just messed me up so much...I had a life and was happy and was content with myself and what I had accomplished...this last 3 years has been a long hard test for me....and at this point in time I am not sure I am passing....I am just really tired....mentally and phsically I am so tired of hurting....I just want to wake up and it all be gone.....I wonder how people get to that spot where they are satisfied with theirselves again after a disability interupts thier lives....

So now I am playing a wait and see game....wait and see what the drs have to say...wait and see what the insurance is going to do or say....wait and see if I can go another day without peeing my pants....wait and see.....wait and see....it is crazy .....Lessons to learn I suppose.....I am not sure what Gods plan is here....we will see.....

In the mean time I am maintaining my drug regiment and hoping the nerve meds will help expeidate the healing...or is their going to be any more healing and when do you decide that...I mean why take the meds if their is nothing left to heal...so many quesitons....thank you CES....

Peace and love and painfree days to you all,


Me~!