Yep here we go again....I am presently in Baltimore at my cousin Vannas...Thank God for family...Vannie and I have really talked and talked....good times..she has listened to my vent and rants and crying jsgs this past two days...I am not sure how I feel ....I am disappointed...I wanted a surgery or something to fix it right now....well my friends no quick fixes here....and she has been there to help me thru those feelings...I appreciate her so much...I am soooooo lucky.
First of all we have to play the insurance game and let me say...my insurance is wonderful...I have only had to pay my deductibles...I am very very lucky in that respect and have to thank my husband..he works very hard to provide that for me....he is a good man...HE is another chapter...lol.....At any rate according to protocol and I am sure to save themselves money I have to have cortizone shots in my back...from the way the doctor explained it to me they do not really expect them to work but this will tell them exactly which nerve is the bad guy and then they can go in and fix it....so that is where we are now. I have to have shots in my back and they want them not to work so they can fix me...that is kind of crazy....lol...least I think so. Ofcourse it might be because if they can pin point it maybe they can do a less invasive surgery...that would be cool....I just would like to be healthy and fixed....in a perfect world....thats what was just on tv...yeah in a perfect world I would not hurt and could walk....
Well Dr. Nair did tell me I have CES...he finally said the words...I had read my records and it said it but he never said it so in honesty I thought it must not be that big of a deal...well let me tell you. It is a very big deal...He told me Friday that the nerve damage I have may get some better but in his opinion the nerve damage that is done is usually permanent...it can get better but...no cure out there and a life time issue....I guess I am saying it right...it ain't gonna go away...that kind of devistates me...I am having a hard time accepting that my body is going to act like this...it pisses me off...and it makes me sad....sad that I may never beable to just jump up and answer my front door....sad that I can't stand any longer than to clean up my kitchen...if I have to empty the dishwasher I am had...it is crazy...but atleast I know and now I know what I have to deal with...it will just take some getting used to.
Everyone has been sending me thier best wishes and that is wonderful...it really does keep me going...some days...other days I want to scream at people and tell them they have no idea how MY pain feels and try as they may my family ie: husband, mother and son...have not a clue or they hurt just as bad....no sympathy...lol..I know my family has all the sympathy in the world for me ..I truely do...they love me to pieces...but they don't let me get my feelings out because it hurts them to see me hurt and sometimes I just want to cry and get it out....I have done that so much since I saw Dr. Nair and he used the word permanant...it is good that I am here...my family, out of love, does not let me cry...they do not let me feel....here I can cry and Vanna understands as she battles MS...it seems like and up hill battle now....before I thought I would conquor this..now I know I just have to tackle it in a different way....crazy crazy....it is crazy that I am going thru this....it is crazy that my family is going thru this...
Ok that is all for the night...I am tired and I need to take my night meds and get some sleep in ....busy day tomorrow...
nite all...peace, love, and painfree nights to you all....xoxo
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