Pain, Medicine and Doctors....

I have not written on here for a few days because #1 I had the boys and was relatively busy...even on a low key but still busy...and #2 I have had nothing good to share. Then I realized that to be true to this blog I need to share the bad also. So here we go.....

I have had so much pain the last few days all I can do is hang my head and cry.....and pop pain pills....I hate it...I want to live pain free....I want to beable to jump up shove my feet into shoes and grab my purse and run out the door ...well I can't. These days filling the dishwasher (because I can stand in one place) and fixing dinner is a good day. I have driven around here...but there are days when I cannot lift my foot off the floor without concentrated effort...so therefore I don't feel comfortable drving. My legs ache at night....it is pain that comes as fast as it goes ...but the length of the stay is untolerable.....and it comes in waves....then it hurts for the blankets to touch your skin sometimes...yet the leg itself feels numb...say what????? LOL...I have to admit If I was a Dr and I had a patient that described pain like that I would wonder what the hell is up too....I mean really.....how can it be numb and hurt...omg...I just figured it out...it is frigging algebra (sorry mom and dad but with this crap I am allowed one or two f' s but just occassionally, and I will put my 50 cents in Bensons cuss jar!) I swear it is! Two negatives added together in algebra equals a positive number right????? Tell me how that works...you bounce two checks and you do not end up with money in the bank! Welll sorry I actually failed algebra....cried my way thru it in College...it was horrible...just like CES. My teacher was a nice guy too....just like my doctor...but I still failed many tests...and only skimped by the class.

Ok so back to the subject of pain and meds.....I have seen in the two support groups that I belong to that pain is a big issue....healing equals pain as nerves hurt while they heal so pain is a good thing...ok I can buy that theroy...I honestly believe that...soooooooo why tell me that I need to learn to deal with the pain or that is too much...I don't understand why I have to beg for pain pills when I have a legitimate issue..when I can only sleep sitting up because my legs go into spasms the minute I stretch them out..how I can not stand longer than 15 minutes and my legs start to have waves of burning pain from my butt cheek to my toes.....it is not like my back hurts and and xray showed swelling or something that can be dealt with by medication...I HAD SURGERY....SPINAL SURGERY DUE TO DAMAGE TO MY SPINAL CORD AND MY NERVE ROOTS......now understand? I am Damaged goods! Thats how I feel....I hate that I am in pain ...I hate it more that I have to beg my drs for pills...

Now lets move on to Pain Management Clinics....you must have a referral....and they are booking appointments months in advance....soooooooo lets see.....argue with drs for pain meds and maybe go to the pain specialist in three months and hope you can still walk by then . Well try to get an appointment with a pain specialist ....does not happen over night....I am on a waiting list for a dr that is now booking in July....that is 8 weeks...Myabe in 8 weeks this will all be a figment of my imagination....I am just so tired of being ill.

So I have decided that I want to find a Dr the knows something about cauda equina syndrom...well that is a nuerologis ...and I am not sure how you find out if they have had experience with this syndrome or not. I was thinking a university hospital and that is where I have been so I really do not see a doctor change in my future, but I am going to persue the search. Maybe I will google it....Dr Cauda Equina Syndrome ....have to see what I get!

I have stll been having problems with my bowels and with my bladder control. I have no urges for bowel movements but my mom has turned me on to mirolex I think is the name of it....I read in one forum that black licorce helps too...I love black licorece....I have also added activa to my regiment...so we will see. In the mean time the constipation is hard to work with at times and can be very painful. The leaky bladder really bothers me....but it is a fact of life and so far I have been able to go by myself so that is a good thing.

I wonder if I have done too much when my legs hurt me so bad...but I have no one else to do it...there is no one that is going to come in an vaccum my house, or do my laundry. My grandsons do help me by loading and unloading the dishwasher...they help prepard dinner and set the table too.....the like sitting down and having dinner and saying grace.

My grandsons are really a ray of sunshine for me.....they brighten my days....and they like to come here...but it is a hard situation for me to be in and I really do not feel like I cannot change anything at this time. As I told you in an earlier blog, my son is going thru a messy divorce. My son is under supervised visitation with his children until he completes a parenting class...the night my Daughter In law left he shoved her after she had came at him and she called the law so now he has a Domestic violence protection order against him. It is a very very stressful situation as the only way he can see his children is in my presence....well that is fine but here is the schedule...2 evenings a week.....from 4 pm to 7:30 pm - the boys choice so far....we also have them from Fridays at bus time until 4:30 pm on Sunday. Well that means I have the responsibility of cooking for them 5 days a week....I have laundry for them on those days...and then I have to deal with the emotional side with these boys and then lets throw in some emotions and anger from their father and then some from me....have to be honest here!
Not only am I physically tired and hurting I am mentally tired and hurting. Everyone says you need to go away....well that is hard to do when you are walking on a cane...and have all the other health issues to deal with.....like I said it is just crazy.

I am just tired these last few days....have a drs appointment tomorrow and an appointment to get my hair done....so maybe I will have some good news or atleast a better attitude with the hair. We will see....I just know I am in a funk and I am tired and I am tired of pain and hurting, and I am tired of Drama.....I think mentally I am going to a desserted island and lay on the hot beach with the sun backing down on me....

More later,