Depression

OK...so here we go ....admitting that I am having problems with depression is a hard one for me. I always thought of depression as a way to get out of life...if you don't like how your life is...get off your rump and make some changes...Do something...sitting around will make anyone depressed....Honestly if I get really depresses the best thing I can do is clean something...I never really believed in depression..My glass is always half full....I would not have it any other way....Like I said - I always thought it was an excuse not to be responsible and take charge ...it is like giving up....Maybe that is why I am having trouble accepting this state of mind I find myself in...... Maybe because I feel such a lack of control....I cry for no reason...none at alll...and I cannot stop.......or maybe it is because I fear it is a sign of weakness and I cannot afford that at this time...I have to be strong and do what I have to do.....I am just so tired of this...I am tired of the pain...I am tired of sleepless nights. I keep wondering why the pain is worse at night...but then I guess no one really knows the answer to that - it just is, and that seems to be a common factor for people suffering from Cauda Equina Syndrome.

I just realize what makes me cry is also the helplessness...I hate to depend on other people...and I hate asking for any help of any kind.....and then I am so picky...I swear I would walk out on me too.....no one has but why my poor husband has not is beyond me....I go off and yell and cry and scream and say horrible things and then cry more and he just handles it and holds me and lets me cry and always always always tells me he loves me....he got ripped off. He should have a wife that is energetic and able to take care of him and his house...he works hard and deserves that...I just wish I could take care of things the way I used to. That is what makes me cry....

We get the kids this weekend...that will help with the depression too....they give me something to do...even if they have to do half of it themselves....Charlie likes helping make french toast and Benson is pretty good at baking skinned chicken breast with Lemon Pepper...that is his secret - LOL..do not tell him I told you that.... at any rate ....we have a good time and they occupy my mind and keep me from feeling sorry for myself. This divorce stuff is crazy....Jason seems to be doing well tho...he is just concerned about his children. They are the important ones and we just want to have a good healthy happy atmosphere for them to be in...LOL....yeah right..with a crazy grandma and pap....oh well....maybe they will take good care of us! I know Benson and Charlie both have stepped up to the plate as much as two kids could...they help me load and unload the dishwasher, gather laundry and transfer it for me from washer to dryer to me for folding, Benson Swiffers the kitchen....Charlie could careless some days but he is good about getting things for me...he will see me get up and he always says..."Grandma I would have gotten that for you" and he would have. He is my smiley one...always wanting to please...Benson is the control freak...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm wonder where he gets that??? The boy seem to be holding up pretty well as far as their mom and dad splitting up...well it has been a lot for them since March....they have moved twice....now they are closer to us...and that is a good thing....but it is still not like having them next door. I miss them running in and out during the week...and I called Benson everyday when he lived next door....now they have no phone....I miss the phone calls. I know that Jason's divorce has been part of the depression I am experiencing...I am learning that it is his boat to row....and his race to run...but it is very hard when you see your child hurting....mom used to be able to kiss the boo boos and make them go away....doesn't work that way now.

So back to the depression...the Doctor has me on Cymbalta 60 mg a day and I take Lorazipam if I am having a really ruff day...some days I just cry for no reason...is that depression or is it just pent up feeling that need to escape...I know I always feel better after I cry...so I like to think normal release of emotions. This syndrome is very frustrating....no one understands because I look fine....I sound fine....yeah my back hurts too....my legs get numb too....well that is fine and dandy ....I don't know how to answer you....maybe you are better with pain and numb legs than I am....all I know is this is what it is and I have it....and it is mine to deal with and no one can do it for me sooooooooooooo I am going to allow myself a depressed day or two during this healing process. I am going to allow myself a good cry if I feel the need. And if I feel angry and the need to throw my shoes in disgust because I cannot do what I want I think I expect you to understand that too.....shit.....I don't want much huh? I just want this to be over.

I was not depressed when the Doctor told me that in a year and a half we would see where we are...I was fine with that..I thought ok...then if it takes that long you are doing ok....well now I feel like a year and a half is going to be forever....I am tired of hurting. No magic cures....maybe the physical therapist will have some help for me....or atleast some answers.

Ok that is all for the night...I am tired and guess I will put something on the tv that is worth falling asleep to....ha ha...probably not a thing on!

Night all!