Summer is almost over...

I have heard the katydids for several weeks now...that means winter is just around the corner...I am really not looking forward to winter....it is hard enough for me to motivate on bare ground...I can only imagine what slick walkways and so forth will be like for me....guess I will just have to rely on the men in my life to pick up the slack. I think I am trying to prepare myself to be a shut in for the winter.....not really....the thought of it is already getting to me.

I haven't written here for awhile because I have been so busy with kids....seems like I have them alot...then throw in Jr and Jason and my mom....well for someone that does not get around much it sure seems to me that I am busy. I know I am tired. I really feel tired lately.

I thought I seemed to be getting along better and was curious as to whether I really needed the pain medications....well....I decided I would take myself off of them. Well I am here to tell you ....if you decide to take yourself off of any medications talk to your doctor first! I have never been so sick in my life as I was then. I had sweats, sick to my stomach, diarreaha, chills, and my bones ached....Well my son gave me the devil and made me take a pain pill..and within the hour I was feeling better....So what this tells me is that my body is addicted to the narcotics. NOT my brain because I would really like to throw them away...but I can't because I need them for the pain firstly...and secondly I am physically addicted to them and will have to do a regiment of decreasing them to get them out of my system. I would like to think that soon I can pitch them but....if I have many nights like I did last night I may need to keep taking them. My back woke me up this morning hurting....I slept with my legs propped up .....but that did not seem to matter...I was hurting. I get so tired of hurting.

My bladder and bowel functions seem to be returning to normal....I am so happy about that. I would like to think that sexual functioning is returning also....truth is we have very little time it seems for sex....kids kids kids! It is pretty bad when grandma and grandpap have to make an appointment for sex!

The numbness in my legs seems to come and go...my left leg actually seems to be bothering me more lately. I find that amazing...it was my right leg that was affected first! The arch of both feet, the big toe, and second toe and up the top of my foot is numb. I still feel like I am standing on gravel. And omg does it hurt if I step on something, like a pebble or popcorn kernal, omg....it feels like someone is stabbing me in the foot.

I still cannot stand for long periods of time...just about long enough to do the dishes then I am needing to sit down. My lower back starts hurting and it goes right down the back of my legs to my heels.....it sucks getting old!

I am still on the same medicine regiment - except the dr decreased my pain meds by one...so now I take only 2 hydrocodone a day...tramadol, naproxian, and gaberpenten for pain and nerve healing.

!

I still have trouble with depression...I still am having a hard time sitting around all the time....I wish I could get up and run with the dogs....soon.....I am hoping anyway!

Ok....I will try to add more later,

Lynn!

Well here we go again....lol

Thats what it feels like anyway...had a drs appointment today...he did the normal things...we talked about pain and how I am doing. Not much has really changed in the last month....my L 4/L5 are still acting up a bit but he is very pleased with my recovery so far...I am hoping it just continues along the way. I will be 7 months post op on Sept 5th.....actually I think I am doing pretty well. Bending and standing are still a bit of a problem for me...I am still walking with a cane and I have good days and bad days .....so I will continue taking the medication the way I am suppose to and just keep maintaining.

I am still having bladder problems....I really need to be near a bathroom when I get the urge to pee....but atleast I am getting some warning now and I can get there...in the beginning I had a horrible time. I am praying that the nerves that stimulate that feeling heal and heal allll the way. There is a possibility that they will only heal so far and thats' all folks! I suppose that is why the dr told me we would see where we are in 18 months....

Walking....Walking is really a problem for me...toward the end of the day it is hard for me to get up and down sometimes....depends on the day....I find that I cannot walk very far and am really unsteady on my feet. I am hoping that comes back too. I cannot wait for the day to come when I want something and I just jump up and get it....now I have to get in the right position to push myself up with my hands....how old does that sound to you....this sooooo sucks. I am really tired of it.

The Doctor hit on that too...he told me that people with this stuff going on really do have a hard time with depression and he suggests that I get up and go if I can...he said he has faith in me to do it and that he knows I will be ok....little does he know of the days I sit here and cry because I cannot do what I want...I am tired of being depressed and not being able to do what I want to do......oh well....this to shall pass I suppose.

All in all I guess this was a pretty good day.....next doctors appoint is in 2 months....I will be back before then I am sure - I mean here - not the drs office - gonna hold out on that one as long as I can!

Ok ....need to go check the pizza for the boys.....like I said.....here we go again!

peace and love to you all!

Another night....another pain!

Ok...today was a really unsettling day....My body aches and my head and heart are gloomy. I chose to not go to my family reunion today...I think it is the first one I have every missed....Physically and emotionally I just could not do it.....My left leg has really been giving me some issues. I go to the drs on Tuesday....I am not sure if this is due to more herniation of the disc or if it because nerves are healing. I just know that I am still in pain...walking with a cane and missed the first reunion ever in my life. I guess thats the way it goes.



I can't really blame missing the reuion on my health..it was alot of family dynamics too....I just could not handle it...I needed to be home in my own space so that is what I chose to do....hard decision and my mother was not at all pleased but I am sorry ....that is the way it goes....My grandsons and I had a pretty good day....Charlie took off with his dad when he came home and Benson and I hung around the house...he helped me do some stuff around here...they are pretty good kids....I worry about them.....



I seem to be worrying about everything all the time lately and seem to be doing nothing but crying and feeling sorry for myself...I don't like it....I don't like it at all. I need to do something....get off my ass and do something. I just wish this was over.....I miss my independence and I am tired of crying....I just don't understand why this had to happen to me.....I mean if it is karma...shit I must really be a bad one...and then I think ...it is because I need to learn a lesson....ok....whats the lesson and can we speed this up....I want to do like Uncle Kracker says in his song.....smile....I want to dance in the sunshine....I think that is how the like goes....it's a good song.

Ok I am out of here.....hopefully the man of my dreams will visit me tonight. Night all...peaceful
and painless I hope for you all.

August....what a month!

I thought when I started this blog that I would be on here every day...well it does not work like that.....I don't want to keep dwelling on what is going on with my body...but my body does not feel any different really. If your are reading this blog you probably know someone that has CES or you have read about it now...I can check in here every day and tell you that my feet are numb, my legs hurt me, I can't stand much over 20 mins, yada yada yada.....I wish it was over.

At present time my left leg is giving me some trouble....I am not sure if it is nerves hearling or more of the "slight herniation" that was seen in the second MRI....might be time for another MRI.....who knows? I just know I am very tired of the pain ....it never goes away...it gets easier...but never goes away.

I am also fighting with depression. I honestly want to just hide and not have to deal with anyone. It is depressing to sit in this house 24/7....and hard to do anything when you can't stand for very long or walk for very far.....I am so very tired of this. The Dr did change my medication but I am not sure it helps. It seems like all I do is yell or cry...but then a newly divorced son, 2 grandsons that are bouncing off the walls with hormones and parents that are putting them in the middle of shit....and then Jr.......such a good man......he probably deserves better than this....I think when it came to women he got a lemon....worse is at this point I am not really sure I care....I am to tired to worry about what everyone else thinks.......I need to get away from this.....I do not feel like myself...I feel like I am lost and trapped.....I just really do not want to do this anymore.

I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this....I just can't. I know I can look around and find people in worse shape than me but I don't care tonight. I am the one that can't go grocery shopping by herself anymore...I am the one that cannot walk her dogs....I am the one that cannot carry a load of laundry without hurting....I am over it. I want it to be done. I am tired of crying and hurting. It does't feel very fair to me.
'
Sorry to be such a downer tonight....such is a day in Cauda Equinaville!

I just got my Internet back after I was lost in cyber land for what seems like forever....I read my past post and I have to admit...I am getting better. I really have been feeling better and seem to be taking less pain medication.... My incontinence seems to be getting better...I not get the urge to urinate and have bowel movements too....what a wonderful thing!!! My leg pain at night has subsided...in fact for the last two weeks I have slept clear thruthe night. I now have a tingling from my knees down and sometimes my legs feel numb....it is crazy...makes walking difficult. I am pretty good in the house but outside is not easy for me. I feel really tense for the most part...I think I am afraid I will fall down or something. BUT.......For the first time I am thinking there just may be light at the end of the tunnel. I read on here how people have suffered from this for years...I don't want to do that. I know that I still have a ways to go ...I have my bad days and my good days...I cannot do what I used to do but I want to get on with my life..... this is just a rock in my path...by next summer I want to be walking outside with out a cane....that's my new goal.

My son lost a friend of his the other day...35 with three kids.....this in comparison makes CES a nothing....non existent thing.....so what if I pee myself....I am alive to do it and that is the most important thing. I think I had forgotten that and had started down the I feel sorry for myself path...now I need to remember how lucky I am....I cannot imagine burying my son...it just is not fair.

Life is precious...it is truly a gift.....I wonder what comes next? I know I believe in God....I know I believe there is life after this life and death is a process we have to go thru on our journey...but will we be ourselves when we die? Will we really reunite with our loved ones? Will we account for our transgressions? Did we when we entered this life? I don't remember accounting for anything to a higher power in this life or my last...if there was a last. Is this life just a journey we have to go on to learn the lessons we need to learn in order to pass on to our next life? Or will we be dirt....you know...ashes to ashes...dust to dust. Gone....just gone one day. If that is the case then what is the point? What is the point of caring and being the best person you can be if in the end you get a nothing.... there has to be something at the end of the tunnel. That's why I believe in God I guess.....I have to believe there is a reason for this life and this death ...this journey.....and I have to believe my life is in Gods hands....and I have to believe I will see my loved ones again...on another journey....

Bladder Infections...

I hate Bladder infections...this is about the 5th or 6th one I have had since I had my back surgery....they hurt like crap too. I am allergic to so many medicines that when I get them it scares me. I am always afraid I will have a reaction to the antibiotic they give me. This time (and the times before - because so far so good and it works for me) they gave me Ciprofloaxin..and like I said so far so good.

Today was a pretty good. I got my kitchen cleaned and we had a big breakfast with the boys...then we cleaned the kitchen again...amazing how many dishes you can acquire after dinner is over and you are just hanging around. These boys eat like crazy....wow...growing boys is a true statement! We then played most of the day...they went swimming with thier day and I stayed home...that is like three times I would have loved to have went with them...but Thank you very much CES...I cannot walk back in the woods to the place they go swimming...I just could not do it and we cannot drive there.

After their swim we grilled and they had a water hose battle with their dad and Johnna...onery kids. Like I said it was a good day.

I am hoping that I will have a painless night...usually if I have a busy day my legs hurt me at night. I am hoping not tonight...wouldn't that be great!

I actually am trying to cut down on my intake of pain meds and it seems to be ok today...we will see what tomorrow brings...I hate to hurt...this nerve pain is the worse....sometimes it is in cramps and sometimes it just hurts to touch my skin....that is crazy. I ran out of the naproxin and it was like two days that I did not take it...well on the the third day (when I got them) I noticed that my hands really hurt. I am sure I have arthritis in my thumbs...they hurt....and they were fine while on the Naproxin...atleast I know they are helping something.

Ok...time to get off of here...hope you all have a wonderful night.


Take care,

Lynn!

Another Day...another pain...

I thought today was going to be a good day until about 2 pm this afternoon and I had to pee and it hurt like the dickens...Well hello Bladder Infection.....How are you today? Just one more thing I am tired of battleing....these things hurt. I called my Dr and he is calling in some antibiotic for me...I guess because my bladder does not empty all the way it is just a breeding ground for infections...and they seem to flare up....I think I have had about 4 - 5 of them since I had surgery in Feb. That is less than one a month but still one is one too many.....I actually peed a blood clot this evening...I am sooooo tired of being sick. I don't know how or why this has happened to me...it is not fair and I am so tired of it. I pray everyday for God to make this go away any way he has to...I would gladly lay down and die if I thought I would never get over this...I do not want to live this way...I am tired of hurting....I am no good to anyone this way.....I just do not want to do this any more.

I have physical therapy tomorrow and I am peeing blood ...I have canceled more than I have been able to go...I am getting tired of that also....but I know I do not feel like going tomorrow if I feel this way when I wake up.

My back hurts, my legs hurts and my groin is hurting tonight...I am sure that is the bladder stuff
....on that note...I am going to bed...I was always told when you have nothing good to say - say nothing....that sums me up tonight...I hurt and it is not good.